nectar

A 125-year-old brick house painted white with black shutters and a gravel walkway leading its visitors to the garden. it’s quaint, peaceful and filled with zen. Nestled in a tiny corner behind a rickety old window, hydrangeas sweep the glass panes with every breath of air Mother Nature releases. Just beyond the gaze of the flowers, the reflection of a neon sign that says, “you deserve to feel good.”

Watching the butterflies and the bees flutter about the ivory petals in front of me, I can’t help but wonder if they ever feel overwhelmed, conflicted, or invigorated with the endless options that lie before them. Called to the garden, they must select a plant, then an individual branch, and eventually, a single bloom. Amidst a rainbow of choices, they seem to make these decisions in an instant. Or do they? I wonder, do they peruse all options before making a commitment to land and nourish themselves, too? Do they ever stop to consider, “will this be nectar or poison?”

As I sit here on this stunning Wednesday morning, i somehow find myself relating to a buzzy-little-bee in my own hypothetical garden. Well, fuck. That’s a surprising resemblance…

 …

Beautiful home—check! 

Two four-legged soulmates—check!

Six-figure income—check!

Boyfriend who could moonlight as a CK model— rawr, CHECK! 

I had dreams, intuitive pings, and visions of having the ‘life’ i described above. I journaled, I prayed, and charged more earthy crystals than you’d find in a damn jewelry store. Ah, the power of manifestation—the act of theoretical thought, ideas or spiritual beliefs becoming reality. Trust me, it’s real and something i believe in whole-heartedly. After all, it worked! With hard work, soul-crushing grit, and dedication, my visions became reality. Life was {twirls in front of mirror} blissful!

Until suddenly, it wasn’t.

For longer than I care to admit, I battled a vicious internal war. How can i be grateful, proud, blessed, and humble… yet deeply, deeply unhappy?

Rather than the “dream life” bringing contentment, it brought heightened complexity, chaos, maintenance, and a shit-ton of responsibility. One thought kept coming to mind, “is it possible to manifest the wrong things?” All i craved was freedom from emotional disturbance and anxiety—the ability to start from scratch and hit the reset-button on life. I desperately needed tranquility.

plot twist!

{in the span of 21 days…}

Health: caught ‘the vid’ (thanks, mom!) 

Work: laid off 

Dog: hospitalized with uncontrolled bleeding 

Relationship: tanked and in the shitter 

Home: felt like an emotional prison 

Life as I knew it was expeditiously spiraling out of control. Simultaneously, the universe answered my cravings in an unexpected and kind of fucked-up way… Suddenly, I had freedom— no one to answer to, no restraints, and the opportunity to start over.

I had the entire garden to choose from.

Let me tell you, it’s not as sexy as it may sound. {enter: overwhelming thoughts, more internal conflict, and anxiety with a tiny side dish of invigoration} 

…

As I sit here and continue to watch nature do its thing, I’m reminded that it’s the unceasing and unpredictable events that keep life interesting. Right, wrong, good, or bad, the world’s not that simple, and neither are we. We are real, raw, and complex—individually unique. Sometimes, when there’s a void, we make decisions not guided by logic, but rather emotion, desire, or societal ‘norms.’ Rather than choosing to conform, I advise you to dig deeper and proceed with extreme caution. Making rash decisions may create a delusion that things are in fact more beautiful than they really are—poison.

Lesson(s) learned: 

As I enter this new era in my life, I feel as though I’m experiencing a true rebirth. I’m no longer the woman that twirled blissfully in the mirror just six months ago. Something has shifted; I’ve evolved. Don’t get me wrong though, I certainly don’t have everything figured out, and I don’t pretend to. I have no plan, and this new journey is just starting to unfold. I have questions and doubts, and at times I feel lost. However, there’s one thing I know for sure: every chapter in your story will be paired with trials, tribulations, and grief. 

This one life. 

We will never get another quite like it. Let go of the shit you can no longer control and embrace life’s uncertainty. Allow it to lead you to places that challenge your heart, soul, and mental grit as you carve your path toward genuine happiness—nectar. Take this as a subtle reminder to truly embrace life’s hardest moments. It wasn’t until I nearly lost everything that I found the one thing I never knew I needed… myself.

…

Let the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary; don’t just do the watering, become the garden.

(read, ENTROPY).

stay curious — xx