INDOMITABLE

Lips painted like fire—a glossy red. Her dress starlike on a clear night in the country, shimmering endlessly as light reflects. Hair curled; legs lean; hips swaying as she makes her way to the one who will wear her fire at midnight. Her hand on his chest, she looks back to see the clock…

5… 4… {they inch closer}, 3… {hand-in-hand}, 2… {she’s locked into his deep brown eyes}, 1... {they lean in, lips poised} 0…

[sound of record scratching]

 …

…and just like that, the holidays, as evanescent as they may be, have come and gone. A new year now upon us and the invigorating feeling of invincibility that strikes us when the clock hits 00:00. Ah, welcome 2023! Anyone else still trying to process 2019? Yeah, me too.

Truth is, as sexy as that new year sounded, I was at home. On my couch, eating pasta in my underwear and went to bed at 9:30—Hey, a girl can dream! 

Anyway—cheers to a new year! For most people, the first of January is the most anticipated day on the calendar. It’s a celebratory day to congratulate yourself for surviving another year and the day that signifies a “fresh start.” It's the time to pack up your mistakes and problems and move on.

I’m not much different than the vast majority. I, too, see this day as milestone for an array of reasons. However, the month of January also coincides with my birthday which gives the whole “new year, new me” motto twice the merit. I not only set goals and intentions for the year ahead, but I also take time to look back and reflect on the previous year (or in this case, few years). While I was reflecting on the shitshow of hardships, lessons learned, and triumphs, something told me to poke my nose into a few of my old journals.

I know what you’re thinking, a risky little game, but one I was willing to play.

I picked a random journal and dove headfirst into entries that opened up the deepest, darkest parts of my mind—pages filled with revelations and thoughts unhinged. I had really revealed the grittiest parts of my humanity. While I’d love to say this was a smashing idea… IT. WAS. TRIGGERING. However, (on the flip-side and much to my surprise) also enlightening!

Everyone has chapters in life that they’d never read aloud. 2022 might be that year for me. It was the year I didn't see coming. The one that shook me out of my subconscious ignorance. It was the year I painted my days with a smile, but many nights were spent treading in tears. On the outside looking in, I had it all. My heart, however, heavier than a brick wall. I prayed for clarity and unequivocal joy amidst some of the darkest days I had ever seen.

My eyeballs continued to burn page after page, but I found that the further I read, the less I wanted to set the pages on fire. My entries reflected a smattering of everything… cycles of personal transformation, strength development, and psychological growth that has been unfolding for years. I was finally able to uncover trends and habitual patterns that led me into the same routine, toxicity, and vicious cycle which continued to suck the life out of me. I realized that my writing continued to tell a unique story—the story of my becoming. to this day, it continues to teach me new ways of fundamentally understanding myself.

2022 was indeed a year that started with, why me, and ended with, oh, I see!

As I sit here writing this post just days before my late-30-something-th birthday, I find myself with a blank canvas of opportunity. I’m not sure if I’m invigorated, excited, or bloody terrified.

{At this very moment, the latter.}

But I’ll admit, it’s suddenly all too easy to fall victim to my own thoughts and question decisions I’ve made in the past. You see, our minds are quick to move from one thought to another. We face fears of the future and float back and forth between disappointments of the past while we're desperately trying to make sense of it all.

I ponder,

How do you sit with your demons, befriend them, and not feel fearful?

How do you look aT YOUR PAST and tell YOURSELF it’s no longer welcome TO DRAIN YOUR ENERGY?

How do you thank your past for the lessons learned, hold onto them for reference, but let that shit go?

I’m still trying to figure this out myself

…

What I can say is that you never know when a breakthrough is just around the corner. Although you do not know what life will throw at you, you’re stronger than you know—indomitable.

{after all, if you’re reading this… Congratulations!–That means you have a perfect track record of making it through the hard days!}

You may not have an answer for everything or be adequately prepared, but you are more than capable. Shit will happen. You will feel everything at once, then nothing at all. You will fall and get back up. Doors will close; others will open. Your heart will break, but you’ll begin finding pieces of your soul. You’ll find your greatest strength through your deepest weaknesses. You will go off the deep end, but quickly realize you can swim. You will be judged by others, yet discover your authenticity. You’re going to fight for people who tap out before the bell dings but win an internal war. You will be tested, and you will pass. You will say “fuck you” but mean “I love you” simultaneously. You will react, ask for forgiveness, but never forget. Your physical and emotional scars will become stories of survival. You will defy logic and find comfort in struggle. The list goes on…

so let’s talk about 2023! If I could assign a word to the year, it would be “EXPANSION.”

I refuse to spend another year doing the same shit, and you should too. Join me in learning how to step out of habitual patterns and complacency! Find what sets your soul on fire and do more of that. Learn to start treating yourself the way you would want your lover to treat you. Date yourself and stop giving a fuck what other people think.

{okay, maybe give a moderate fuck.}

Thank yourself. Pride yourself and be proud of who you’re becoming. Step into uncertainty with grace and compassion. Smile bright, shit glitter, ugly cry, and scream at the top of your lungs. Punch a wall, dance like no one is watching, and love hard.

At the end of the day, life is short, and happiness is seemingly a rare commodity. Allow yourself to feel joy in the little moments and work on creating a life you don’t need to take a vacation from.

Be your own hero.

…

(read, nectar).

stay curious — xx

photo credit borrowed - not mine