entropy
The principles of information theory remind us that when entropy is left unchecked, energy disperses and systems dissolve into chaos.
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It’s Tuesday morning—8:00am. My nerves are so fucking shot that I, feeling nothing short of repel and untethered fear, want to jump out of my own skin. my heart’s running on fumes and I'm gasping for air, searching for anything to soothe my expended, scorched soul.
Ever happened to you? Well— If so, you’re not alone. That morning isn’t too far gone. I wish it was a story about an isolated event, but In truth, it was a few. Years of heartbreak (mainly my own), internal conflict, and subconscious conformity had finally compounded—I broke.
Life as I knew it was expeditiously spiraling out of control.
For years leading up to this point, my subconscious pain numbed my inner voice. My days were spent focused on working tirelessly to be successful in my career, maintaining a home, and providing for my relationships. I had been living in a way that served my external world and ignored my inner being. It wasn’t until shit broke bad that I realized how often I willingly conformed based on the wants, needs, and desires of those around me while ignorantly neglecting my own. I failed to understand the importance of personal boundaries and thrived solely on the need to be needed—the need to be loved.
Compromise and mediocrity keep us locked into habitual patterns of low energy, satisfaction, and fulfillment; thus, denying our individual truth. At what point do we stop to consider where we’ve been compromising our own happiness and integrity?
On this random Tuesday, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to run against the tide and into the unfamiliar—a personal paradigm shift. This is when it became clear to me how disconnected I felt from my true and authentic self. My physical avatar became resentful, emotional, and filled with raging, debilitating angst. I struggled to differentiate what was right for me and what was accepted by others. I was out of balance and desperate for a new way of life.
Is this what growth feels likE?— because it’s really fucking uncomfortable…
In psychotherapy, we are taught that in order to grow authentically, it is essential to gather the strength to think negatively. Negative thinking is not a pessimistic view that masquerades as realism. It’s not a battle either, but rather a push/pull phenomenon—a willingness to consider what is not working. Shattered with shards, I had no choice but to embrace the relentless discomfort of self-doubt and depression. I was forced to teach myself that I was not defined by every feeling or opposition that was sprung upon me by others or my own intrusive thoughts. I instead considered my thoughts and emotions objectively— i sat with them, processed each one, and let. that. shit. go.
Growth GRANTS permission to say goodbye to what no longer serves you.
To let go of the old you and become a different, more authentic version of yourself. There's so much more to life than being who someone else wants you to be, or changing the depth of your dreams. Much like the fragility of glass, when under enough pressure, a human being can shatter. When we break, we present sharper edges, fall into pieces without warning, and can make a mess for those who surround us. The cleanup can be overwhelming, tedious, and dangerous if not handled with patience and care. However, when we break, we have an opportunity to rebuild and make room for something new, stronger, and more beautiful than before— a rebirth, perhaps?
stay curious — xx
