BOLD (THE RISK)

Sometimes you just have to say “fuck it,” and see where you land.

 …

It was day five. 2,300 miles down; 320 to go—I was white knuckling through an ice storm in the middle of New Mexico, when the “oh, shits!” kicked in.

To my right, my best friend sitting shotgun and jamming to some ‘90s bangers on Spotify. Over my shoulder, two precious pups sleeping soundly in the back seat. Behind me, a bin of houseplants partially obstructing my rearview.

The road in front of me felt infinite. After all, this wasn’t an ordinary cross-country road trip, but rather the final stretch of a life-changing and transformative chapter. It was a one-way road to a new beginning—literally and figuratively.

 …

So, how did we get down yonder and to the middle of New Mexico? Well, an unhealthy amount of starbies and chick-fil-a nuggs for starters…

but in all seriousness, Since the inception of Conceptual Curiosities, I’ve shared glimpses of my thoughts and self-revelations throughout my healing journey. In short, I’ve written some cogent one-liners:

“How can I be grateful, proud, blessed AND humble… yet deeply, deeply unhappy?”

“I was out of balance and desperate for a new way of life.”

“I refuse to spend another year doing the same shit, and you should too.”

“Work on creating a life you don’t need to take a vacation from.”

“BE YOUR OWN HERO.”

At the time of my last post INDOMITABLE, which happened to be on my birthday, I found myself single, inspired, and ready for a change. As I reread the excerpts above, I noticed a trend—ennui.

Words are wonderful, but we all know they don’t hold merit without action.

Was I practicing as I preached?

Was I leading by example?

Was I walking the walk?

I damn sure wasn’t.

I, wishing I could hit the reset button and completely start over, sat there sipping my coffee on that cold January morning when something happened.

I struggled to distinguish the feeling between panic, nerves, or excitement.
nonetheless, there was a systemic response.

I honored the feeling and fell prey to reverie.

…

an opportune moment to take stock of my life—I questioned existing perceptions, challenges, and habitual patterns. I asked myself questions surrounding my own mental constructs. what was genuinely me versus who I had become on the basis of being relied upon.

How have I been trading freedom for security and losing touch with myself? How did social custom and subconscious conformity deprive my ability to feel joy?

I was left there feeling disconsolate. On paper I had everything, but my pilot light had burned out.

I had gained the world but lost the fire in my soul.

in that moment, knowing what needed to be done, I was fearful. For the first time in my life, there was nothing holding me back. I had no one to answer to, and the only person I could blame for my prolonged stagnancy was myself.

Throughout the day, I, tantalized by thought of selling everything and starting anew, couldn’t shake the feeling. Naturally, I slept on it.

I woke up feeling the same—the thought of staying where I was felt more dreadful than leaping into uncertainty. was it time to take my own advice? should i step out of “my habitual patterns and complacency and not spend another year doing the same shit?” Yes. so Over the next 48 hours, I would go on a little journey I like to call “the fuck its!”

…

“If you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted; would you capture it or just let it slip?” – Eminem

…

The timeline:

16 Jan — Birthday: Posts Indomitable

17 Jan — The Idea: “Maybe I’ll throw my house up for sale and see what happens!”

18 Jan — Reality Check: “I need to take action.”

26 Jan — Execution: House is live on the market (shout out to my realtor for the fire drill)

12 Feb — The Offer: Accepted and house under contract!

{Let’s pause there…}

It was super bowl Sunday, and my inner 22-year-old was engrossed in Rhianna’s half-time show when my phone (very rudely) rang. It was my realtor. As soon as I saw her name, my ass jumped into my throat—shit was about to get real. I could feel in my bones she was going to present an offer, and I was right. the offer: over asking, 30-day close, no inspection, no contingencies. the buyer: stellar! Without hesitation, I shouted, “Let’s do it!” I’m Pretty sure the contract was executed around 11pm that night. first thought: “Wahoo!” second: “There goes my 2.9% interest rate” (IYKYK). third: “Where the hell am I going to go?”

{enter spiral}

No seriously. What now?

I woke up the next morning with no plan. T-minus 30 days to figure out what came next with no inkling or sense of desired direction. However (and much to my surprise), I had an inexplicable sense of calm. My normal full-of-angst mentality had shifted. For once, I didn’t question the stage I was in or where I was headed. I’ve learned over the years to let go of control and trust the process.

the unknown would no longer impede me.

After a few days of contemplation over where to go, I decided to sit down with my journal and list the things that bring me joy. The list was simple: warmer climate, the ocean, the mountains, sunsets, a decent food scene, and as far away as possible from where I had lived my entire life (Washington, DC).

That left me with pretty much two options: Florida (hard pass) and California (intriguing). Ok, now we were getting somewhere…

I was honestly surprised at the ease I felt when California first popped into my head. However, I really needed to sit and think about what that would look like. So, I prayed on it, did some woo-woo juju with my crystals and asked for clarity. Later that evening, I plopped on the couch to find Hulu recommending The O.C. Yes, that one (shout out to my millennials).

I used to obsess over that show—but was this a sign? Not sure if it was or not but that instant hit of nostalgia, and a little Marissa Cooper vibes had me aimlessly scrolling on Zillow for places in Newport Beach. In the early 2000’s, every teenage girl channeled her inner Marissa; from dreaming up best friends and water polo players, to beach bonfires and lifeguard towers. Why not bring a little nostalgia to life 23 years later? Can a high-school teen drama really inspire a life changing decision? Maybe so.

{Fast forward}

countless calls and facetime walkthroughs with realtors resulted in a signed lease. Not in Newport Beach, but a hidden gem beach town on the Southern California coast. I now had just under three weeks to wrap up the only way of life I had ever known and start fresh. I was preparing to head to a city where I’d never been before (didn’t even know it existed prior to Zillow) and where I knew absolutely no one. You read that right—I signed a lease sight unseen and was taking this journey solo. Talk about livin’ on a fucking prayer!

Two weeks later, a flatbed pulled away from the modern four-bedroom home I had proudly built in 2020. Just like that, my life was condensed into a 16’x8’ pod. Watching that truck pull away was the moment that I knew there was no turning back. it was time to let go. I said “see ya later” to friends and family, packed the car with a suitcase, my pups, and a few necessities and hit the road. The path forward was uncharted territory, and although it scared the shit out of me, I was calm, confident and excited.

The next six days proved challenging. 2,620 miles; 41 hours behind the wheel and 12 states. Don’t even get me started the treacherous weather elements—torrential rains in Ohio, twisters in Missouri, sunny skies in Oklahoma, a dust storm in Texas, and to top it off, an ice storm in New Mexico (wish I was kidding).

I was mentally numb, emotionally depleted, and physically exhausted. But I powered through as I crossed over the California state line. Around the San Bernardino mountains, through Chino (for my Atwood fans), and eventually reaching Pacific Coast Highway 1. Only a few miles and one left turn remained…

And there it was! The hypothetical gate to my future was suddenly reality. The u-frame was picturesque— black iron pickets, rails, and pointy finials. Much like something you’d find in a storybook. But this was as real as is gets. The only thing standing between me and my future was the ability to punch in four magic numbers. But before I could climb out of the window to reach the keypad, I was overcome with emotion. I hadn’t cried once since I left, but suddenly tears free flowed down my face and I couldn’t stop them if I tried. It wasn’t sadness, and not fear-based either, but rather pride.

As the gate opened, the only words I could mutter were “I’m so proud of myself.” After all, I “became my own hero,” giving myself permission to explore the endless possibilities that were waiting for me. It was time to channel my inner Cooper vibes and “create a life I didn’t want to take a vacation from.” Who knows, Maybe I’d even find my Summer, Seth, and Ryan.

{… to be continued}

…

(read, indomitable).

stay curious — xx

photo credit borrowed - not mine